of sleep, butterflies and love...

what do these 3 things have in common? and no, this is not my version of "eat, pray, love".

at the beginning of this week, i was sleeping happily when i suddenly woke up. yes, SUDDENLY. at 3.30am in the morning. it's very sudden because i just opened my eyes wide. one minute i'm sleeping peacefully and the next i'm wide awake. i let out a groan when i saw that it's only 3.30am and i'm feeling so fresh and alert, even though i went to sleep only at 12.30am. damn, not again!

i tried to close my eyes and go back to sleep. i tried to empty my mind, to relax, to psych myself into sleepiness. but none of it worked. coz at the back of my mind, i'm stressed out from not being able to sleep. it's like while i'm trying to be all zen and calm about it, my brain is screaming in panic in the background, "I NEED TO GET BACK TO SLEEP, DAMMIT!"

i was tossing and turning for more than an hour. and then at about 5.00am, i decided, "ok fine, i'm NOT gonna try sleeping anymore!" so i got up, turned on the lights and even went to brush my teeth. then i went to sit in front of my laptop to check my e-mails, browse through fb, just surfing the web for a bit. then i decided that since i have so much time still before i need to take my shower and catch the bus to work, i might as well do some chanting. i was quite happy that i have so much time and was counting the number of boxes i can colour in in my daimoku chart.

but i only managed to chant for 15 minutes before my eye lids started drooping. argh, 15 min is not even enough to fill in one box in the daimoku chart! to continue chanting or go back to sleep? in the end, i decided that chanting while groggy with sleep is no use at all, and also i needed the sleep to be alert at work. so at 5.30am, i went back to sleep for another 2 hours before my "official" alarm woke me up.

you may ask, "what has this got to do with butterflies and love??" well, nothing. just that this whole experience brought to mind that saying about love being like butterflies. the more you try to catch it, the more it'll elude you. but if you stay quietly, it'll come to you unexpectedly.