Wednesday, 11 May 2011

on bended knees...

like i've mentioned before, i've not been sleeping well lately... other than stress from work, i've also been doing a lot of thinking. well, some of the thinking are not deliberate. sometimes one just can't control the thoughts that come into our minds.

i've been starting to question myself, if this is the kind of job i want to be doing for the rest of my life. and i know the answer to that: NO, this is not what i want! ok, so what if in a few years' time, i'm being promoted to director of my division? then what? if i continue on, the next step would be director of the department. so what? i don't even wanna be in this division anymore. and being a division director would just be the same as what i'm doing now, just on a different level. and i definitely don't wish to be a director of the department!

so what am i doing here? i know this is not the kind of job i'm happy doing. i'm not talking about the company or the bosses (which is another story altogether). i'm talking about the very nature of the job. it's just not ME! i feel as if i'm trap in a job that is not who i am. as if i'm lying to the whole world that i'm the perfect person for this job, that this is what i'm passionate about, when deep inside, i dread every moment of it. ok, not every moment lar. that's a bit dramatic but u get what i'm trying to say, right?

ok, so i'm living out one of my dreams of living and working in a different country. for the exposure and experience. but in living that dream, it must be also possible to be in a job that you can actually find meaning in and are passionate about, right? i know it's possible! i just know it!!!

we've always heard of people telling us not to give up on our dreams, to hold onto our dreams and work towards it, bla bla bla... but the problem is, i don't even know what my dreams are! of course, i know what i like and don't like to do, but there's no one concrete dream that i can sum up as my dream career. i guess i'm just messed up and complicated like that :P

anyway, after a few chat sessions with Lamenting Lynette, i've sorta worked out what i want. it's the HOW that's the problem. i have this IDEA of my ultimate dream job, but what that job is, or how i'm gonna get such a job, or if this kinda job even exist... i guess i'll have to seek the answers on my bended knees. or more accurately, be more diligent in seeking the answers to my questions on bended knees.

i've been slacking. maybe all these questions that invade my mind in the middle of the night is a wake up call. well, not a wake up call literally, as i really need to sleep! but a wake up call to not forget. to always remember to go back to my prime point of faith. NMHRGK.


biow said...

Every "detour" we took in our career is an experience that will be in good use when we get our dream job.. That's what I always comfort myself in.

Each job is to polish my life further.

But I know, at times, we will be in the deepest despair.

And you're right, it's time to seek answers on bended knees.. NMHRGK.

stargal said...

biow, yes, that's what i always believe too. what we're going thru now is a journey to polish ourselves for our next move. but i'm always very impatient. once i want something, my mind will be thinking about it day and night. not a good thing, coz sometimes it can be very mentally draining.